Old School: Lord Coffee and Madame Tea

This is Old-school Kimberly writing. It's pretty fun though. Enjoy!

Lord Coffee and other reflections on the culinary culture

If a very ripe cupcake were to tell me that he had lost all of his sprinkles, I would not offer him my jacket. Although it is true that sprinkles symbolize youthful exuberance, it is also very true that sprinkles denote a foolishness that should be mostly left to french fries and onion rings. It is very irritating when onion rings dress themselves up and parade around in their fancy dipping sauces. If only they knew how the wise old baked potato scoffed at them and if only they knew that Sir Quiche de Lorraine is no likelier to share an oven with them because of these pleasantries.
I’m sure you are about to tell me that I don’t know what I am talking about. This is, of course, true, for I am but a silly box of baking soda. But you see, if you were an intelligent little cucumber, you would understand that I know very well that a little bit of my soul will aid a cupcake greatly in retaining her fraicheur. Although she might lose her sprinkles and her colors might blend together, she will be always sophisticated and respectable while Onion Ring will never reach that delicacy of style and beauty.
Coffee, however, will never be in danger of losing his throne. To be usurped by any culinaire of lower stature than Ketchup, he would have to be sorely ganged up upon by an enormous force of peas and chocolate. (But that, too, is a silly thought... peas and chocolate have always been and always will be the greatest of enemies as long as they share the same drawer.)
As a box of baking soda, I myself greatly admire Lord Coffee. He is one of the few edibles who are perfect without any sort of adulteration. He is also the greatest paradox that can be reckoned with the legume mind. This paradox exists in his being so pure and without experience while still being unfathomably corrupt. He attracts followers subtly with his enticing smooth silk robe and his warm, moist breath, until every weak or strong-minded soul follows him and aches to drink his forbidden nectar. A wise nectarine once told me that coffee is a god and that he steals the soul of the other culinaires like a vampire to achieve his enigmatic allure. Even though the nectarine is beyond her years in wisdom, I believe that coffee is an all-powerful force who wins his throne not by taking life from the innocent, but by providing them with an unsurpassable foe who is so foreboding that his kingdom would rather completely succumb to his temptations than try to unite and defeat him. Whether Lord Coffee is benevolent or malevolent, however, I believe I will never know.
Lord Coffee has a queen also. It would be a travesty not to mention her, for she is the regal, lovely and sensuous Madame Tea. Madame Tea unassumingly claims power and love from all that know her. She has many more moods than Lord Coffee does (who is always dark and foreboding). At times, Madame Tea is strong and bitter; she wants to stimulate you with her murky and rich brew. At other times, though, she floats like a light breeze of spring and she smells of sweet blossoms. She lingers with you and even dances with you if you are lucky. You feel more intoxicated than stimulated by her, and you yearn for more of her than you can ever be fortunate enough to get. The more of her you experience, the more your thirst for her grows. You begin to cherish her and create rituals around her; she seduces you with her sweet perfumes, and ultimately she enlightens you. After the sun has set, she whispers to you of inner peace; she reminds you that you know the Way. In the morning, she is a strong but comforting presence; she stimulates you and opens your senses to appreciate the mysteries of the universe. There are secrets lingering within Madame Tea that you sense as soon as you meet her; for she is composed of both the oldest and the youngest things in the universe.
Together, Lord Coffee and Madame Tea are a power that has yet to be reckoned with. Although neither Coffee nor Tea can claim to hold power over all, together they hold claim to every weak or strong-willed soul that has ever encountered them.
--kbl